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Alanis Morissette's "Ironic"
Take a close look at the following crock of shit that is Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic". Then marvel at how awful the lyrics actually are. If you are an Alanis Morissette fan, please push the back button of your browser now, to avoid offence. I will now continue to break down the song's lyrics to push my point that the only irony about this song is the fact that nothing in it is in fact ironic.
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic... don't you think
Chorus:
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well, isn't this nice." And Isn't this ironic ... don't you think?
Repeat Chorus
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's ok and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
Repeat Chorus
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
This is not ironic. It is not even surprising. The man was quite obviously stupid for spending valuable pension money on a lottery ticket whose winnings were never going to last him longer than a year or two, because he was SO OLD.
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
What difference does it make if the fly is black or not? If it were a green fly would it be any less ironic? Could it be any less ironic anyway? It would be ironic if it fell into your fly juice, but no one drinks that, do they?
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
This is simply an inefficient justice system, about two minutes inefficient.
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's not ironic, it's unfortunate, and the way it goes. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. The chances of it raining on your wedding day are actually quite large if you get married in December.
It's a free ride when you've already paid
Now that's just stupid, how can a ride possibly be free if you've already paid for it?! Alanis Morissette must be THE easiest person to rip off ever.
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Like "don't write a song called 'Ironic' please Alanis". This is extremely sound advice, which she just didn't take. Why, I wonder?
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
This definitely isn't a true story then, if his name's Mr. Play It Safe. I don't believe that for an instant. Couldn't she have thought of a more comical name, like Smythe-Hutchins or Mr. Wranglebottom? And who ever heard of a man who could fly?
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
There isn't really a lot I can say about this line. How ironic.
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
Nothing ironic here. Just goes to show that a lot of people have to wait for ridiculous lengths of time for their flights. A lifetime is a very long time to be delayed, he really should have complained.
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well, isn't this nice." And Isn't this ironic ... don't you think?
No I bloody don't. But it's nice of her to ask for our opinion, isn't it? I love Alanis Morissette, she's great. He is actually talking about the in-flight movie, Dances with Wolves. Which is nice.
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's ok and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
IN YOUR FACE! YEAH! IN YOUR FACE! Well, we're still looking for irony, and we're getting a little close to the end of the song now. This excerpt sounds a bit like Jerry Springer's final thought. Just add "Be good to yourselves, and to each other" on the end and you'll see what I mean.
A traffic jam when you're already late
If you were a traffic warden, perhaps there would be some irony here. But you're probably not, are you? Well put it this way, if you are, GO AWAY. NOW. If you're not, what difference does it make now that you're already late? Who cares? You're dead meat when you get to work anyway, so you may as well give them a proper reason to lynch you from the nearest tree.
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
Bugger. That's a little bit ironic actually. The lyrics would be funnier and more ironic if it was "buggery on your fag break" though. Besides, when was the last time anybody took the slightest bit of notice of those no-smoking signs?
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
This has to be the most ridiculous line I've ever heard in all my life. It's never happened to me before. When was the last time you had 10,000 spoons and no knives? By the time it got to about 100 spoons, I think I'd probably draw the line and say "Right, time to stop buying spoons, we really could do with some knives." The only conclusion I can make is that Alanis Morissette is a hard drug abuser, and this is simply the result of a particularly bad trip.
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
Ha ha, which just means you were too late, love! She's flattering herself here, because in appreciating the irony of it all, she's calling herself beautiful, which can't be true if you look at the picture at the top, which I promise I didn't vandalize in any way whatsoever.
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... blah blah blah blah urrrghh
So pathetic, so depressing. Still, I hope I've managed to convince you, and that my breakdown has been informative and accurate. If you don't think so, or you have further suggestions, please mail me and say so. Please, I'm very, very lonely.
