FRAUD!!! - Be someone you're not

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Be Someone You're Not

Here you will find the ultimate way to live a lie, a dirty rotten lie. You should be ashamed of yourself; you obviously aren't interesting enough to want to be yourself. So why the hell should you be??? The following are only guidelines; please feel free to change them slightly in order to suit your own personal taste(s). Any other styles, as well as criticism, would be appreciated by mailing them to me. Here we go then...

APPEARANCE

Your hair should be a colour it isn't naturally. If it is naturally blond, dye it a colour such as green, blue or red, or a combination of the three. If it is black, dye it blond. If it is brown, dye it ginger. If it is ginger, die. Ha ha, only joking... If you are a girl, your hair should either shaved, or preferably tied in bunches, as this is "so little girl-like and alternative".

Your ears should be pierced in the most painful places, as should your tongue, lip(s), eyebrow, belly button, and/or penis/clitoris.

Wear psychotic contact lenses, coloured white, or yellow. If you are going for the geek alternative look, you should wear black-rimmed yellow tinted specs.

Wear eye makeup if you are male; wear extra if you are female. Look so pale that you could pass for dead.

If you are thin, wear the tightest clothes possible and HUGE shoes. If you are a fat bastard, wear HUGE jeans, with a chain hanging from your belt to your pocket, and a HUGE shirt.

Your wrists must at least look as if they have at some point been slashed to pieces.

LIFESTYLE

When people stare at you, either because you look freakish or because you look unwell, become stroppy because you don't want any attention, oh no.

You have problems in life; your parents say you have to get a job, and you've got loads of stuff to do, like homework. Life is so unfair, and you have a deprived childhood. They've all got it so easy and they wouldn't understand.

You are bisexual, so long as no one of the same sex actually takes an interest in you. Or you have a gay friend.

The hardcore angst songs that you listen to have so much relevance to your life of inner turmoil.

VOCABULARY

"I'm so twisted!"

"I think I'm bisexual"

"What, have you never seen green hair before?"

APPEARANCE

Your hair must be very very short and very very wet looking. Not one hair should be out of place, or your mates (usually called Trevor or Liam) will take the piss out of you. If, however, it is ginger, it really should all be shaved off.

Pierce your left ear and always wear a hoop earring. This is purely optional.

The secret of the Kev look is to be stupidly overdressed for everything except a wedding. You should dress up just to go to the shops. Wear smart shoes ALL THE TIME. With buckles.

Trousers should be pinstriped. If not then plain black will do, although the end effect will not be as good.

There is a little more choice as far as tops are concerned. Wear shirts that are extremely boring and yet at the same time extremely overpriced. Ralph Lauren and YSL shirts are typical examples - so plain, so dull, so Kev. If not, then awful checked shirts by brands like Kickers will do nicely. Colours such as yellow and green checks are perfect. Always remember that no matter what shirt you choose to wear, it must be buttoned up all the way to the top.

Wear so much musk that other people can taste it, again, even if you are only going shopping.

LIFESTYLE

You're a smooth talking kind of geeza, innit mate, sorted. And all the women love you.

You are completely boring, with nothing constructive or interesting to say about anything other than football, shagging birds, getting pissed and smashing things, and beating up taxi drivers.